the economy of mercy

Decisions

2012-01-05T18:05:00.000-08:00

I was asked to do something today that I am probably the right person to do. Something that in some ways would be very natural to me I believe, but in other ways might be very hard and play on many of my weaknesses. Regardless of that, it is probably meant that I should do it.

I was asked for help today by a man who has carried the weight of this city on his shoulders far longer than I have, who has spent fifteen years struggling with how to follow Jesus in the midst of the least of these, who has had a very hard year this past.

"You have crowned the year with Your goodness" the Psalmist said.

and so He has.

Sometimes the only real question is who is available to do what needs to be done. And right now, maybe that someone is just me. And God will work out the timing of things.

the Lake we Love

2010-04-22T10:25:00.000-07:00

it has been over a year.

This week I organized a group of "young professionals" (what a term) to go clean up trash at Summit Lake park (though the Lake needs it more than the park does...)

It was a nice night, one of the first of the year, and the park was full of activity - basketball, children, baseball, boating, even some older men playing older music and having a tailgate party out of a pickup. Right in the heart of a the neighborhood, in the park i drive past every day. beautiful.

I love Summit Lake. I drive by it every day. It's beautiful from the expressway, and most of the city doesn't know what it is or who goes there. It's unknown and forgotten, even by many who consider themselves Akron lovers, right in the heart of the dangerous part of the city.

Two days before we were scheduled to do this, it looked like we were not going to get anyone. Young professionals are relatively unreliable about weeknight volunteering. I had my fingers on my phone that night, tempted to call in my friends who love this city. People who love the Lake the way I do, and would give up yet another evening in service to the city. I knew they would come. I knew they would give even more of themselves to clean up their park. And yet, why should they? why should I call in people how already give so much? and so I decided against it. I wouldn't call Joe and Nate, Anne and Eric, Jaclyn and Ben, Marci and Neil. I knew they would come. I knew they would serve. But I wouldn't ask them to give up another thing for our park.

We had 6 people show up. The company sent out a camera crew (I will be appearing on our company tv blurb now, great). Great footage of one of us pulling a melted plastic chair and a tire out of the lake and carrying it to the garbage, as though he were a hero. We left our "supplies", which included trash bags and a few fliers, out of sight for five minutes, and of course they were stolen, to the surprise of the group (but not me). And an hour later, they called it quits, not concerned to do any better. not concerned to talk to anyone in the park.

We came, and they left like heroes in their own eyes.

And so things are done in the business world I suppose.

I was appointed co-chair of the community service committee for young professionals. And I have no idea how to create change. No idea how to create a new attitude. No idea how to transform my own sometimes.

I love the lake though. I loved talking to the guys smoking weed outside of the building. I loved watching the kids play. I loved joking with the old men who were having a tailgate party of some sort. I loved that my group looked at me in amazement and confusion, that i would talk to the people of the neighborhood. But I don't know how to create change.

i like homeless people

2008-09-26T11:01:00.001-07:00

i'm concerned about homeless people. i've been living in this neighborhood for two years and been a frequent visitor to it for much longer, and i have been started by the number of homeless people as of late.

i remember a time, probably about two years back, when there was a homeless man standing off of route 8 and buchtel, with a sign saying he needed food or work or some such thing. at the time i remember that my friends matt and adam went out to see him, to see what he needed.

now i would say that more often than not during the day, there is a homeless man there with a similar sign. and i've been watching to see if it's the same group of them, it's not. and the areas that they are starting to hang out in are spreading. it could be that the numbers aren't changing and the homeless are just moving around.

but it is not encouraging that i see different ones all the time. and other than the occasional cash or snack that i give them (yes, i do give money to the homeless), i have yet to think of anything that could be done about it. their signs all say that they want work... i have no work to give them. ideas? i don't want to sit here thinking that i can do nothing. i just don't know what i can do yet.

quo vadis domine

2008-09-17T13:09:00.000-07:00

one of the more basic things that we tend to teach children and newer Christians is that God will lead the way and show us the path before us.

Knute has always taught (sometimes rightly, and sometimes to my dismay) that you can follow the will of God no matter where you go, and to an extent, no matter what you do. He always teaches that being in the will of God is not about specific places - "God doesn't care if you live in Florida or Ohio", and not about specific things - "God doesn't care if you're an engineer, a doctor, a lawyer, or a pastor." and to some extend of course he is right.

but I had been bogged down in this thought, and afraid, because in thinking that i could do anything and still be within the will of God, i became afraid that God didn't have a plan and i was going to have to figure out what to do with my life on my own.

but that's not what we teach... we remember the Israelites, who had a pillar of fire before them, and of Jonah, who was sent to a city he despised, and of Paul, who was sent to the Gentiles (and of Peter, who wasn't really), and of Nehemiah, who returned home to build the walls. and we teach that God has a plan (the famous Jeremiah 29:11), and that God has a plan for each one of us.

"Guide me Oh Thou Great Jehova" alex's blog reads.

"Quo Vadis, Domine" - the title of a pretty decent book, which can be poorly translated from the Latin to say, "Lord, where do we go from here?" (which the author attributes to be the sentiment of Peter, after the Lord had left.)

as i sit here envious of my friend joe and a man named strivings, and of anne and aaron, for the paths that God has led them in... i guess it's time to take comfort in my basic disagreement with Knute, that God does has something specific in mind for me, and it will be revealed in His time.

akron in the Fall

2008-09-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

i went to cf for the first time this year last night, and while i knew it was coming, it was the first time it really hit me: my version of akron is different now.

i've been through changes before: i both moved to grove and moved back from grove. and i remember when i left grove to come back here, there was that terrible feeling hiding amogst my faith, that no matter what, i couldn't have all of the same things in my life anymore. there were some things (people) that i would have to move on from. things i loved.

and it hit me last night: akron is going to be different. this year is going to be different.

i had faith when i left grove that it was for a purpose ("akron OH - for a purpose", as my good friend Jon would have said, as he made the same change from grove that i did). and it was, and i love akron, and things are good.

but i feel like i have yet again come to the place where most of my best friends and people i admire the most are no longer by my side. but i can easily cling to my hope this time, because the last time i did this, God made things better than i even imagined.

i think that change is going to drive me back to my introverted self again for a while. so you might be able to read more of my life here.

the summer's going by fast

2008-07-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

i look to the end of the summer for some changes: back to school for the last semester, moving to my third house in three years (also other people moving to new houses), as always in the fall good friends are moving on, weddings (no not mine), and moving into a new phase at my church where i'm not sure if i even have a place at the moment.

weird. and a weird summer it's been.

i want to write some thoughts about boston. i want to write some thoughts about the business world. i want to write some thougths about relationships.

i'm going to wait a few days i think.

lessons from the first few weeks of a desk job, Part 1

2008-06-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

this is my first 8-5 experience. before this, for employment i have mostly been a server or a camp counselor. those are distinctive lifestyles in and of themselves...

but now, i sit in a cubicle, and mostly do things that amount to programming excel all day. which unfortunately i am good at, and so they continue to have me do it.

and doing this has brought to a head many things i had been feeling about my life, that i won't go in to at the moment, but the biggest thing it has brought me to, is to reevaluate why i began in economics in the first place.

this leads to two things:

1) there is nothing wrong of course with choosing to take a stable job and raise a family in a stable manner (though this gets more complicated if you are a woman, the way our culture works...)

2) i don't believe that i signed up for economics to sit in an office all day. i have a degree in math; i am already perfectly equipped to be useful in an office. however, this had led to my discovery of my own dealings with temptation.

i intend to post on these two things separately.

racism...

2008-05-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

...something i'm becoming more and more thoughtful and passionate about.

one of my best and dearest friends in the world is a black man. that in and of itself has indirectly exposed me to a lot of the racism of others and taught me to be careful how i think of things.

i think i felt true racism for the first time in my life earlier this year. and i may partly have felt it because i was tired and overworked, and it came upon me at times when i was mentally weak anyway. and not that i did or would ever have acted on it, but it did raise some questions in my mind. it led me to wonder whether i should consider that some cultures are superior to others. after all, the reason i felt racism against certain people was because of their culture, not really their race.

and not to say that my culture is really superior to another... that would be a dangerous thought. but i do think that if i am allowed (and encouraged) to dislike certain aspects of my own culture, then i should be allowed to also, respectfully and lovingly, dislike aspects of other cultures. this does not mean i can discriminate against a person of another culture, any more than i would discriminate against myself. but i think it is ok and good even to dislike aspecs of other cultures.

that said... more careful thought is needed.

summer in akron

2008-05-13T05:37:00.000-07:00

i have to turn in my school laptop today... and so i've been sitting here, removing the files that i've built up over the past two semesters.

and what a weird two semesters it has been. i thought things would be different this year... i thought i would be more free, as opposed to more busy. rather i was constantly faced with choices consisting of whether i would succeed in school (and by "succeed" i mean, "pass", not exactly excel) or whether i would do all the things i would have liked, and by all accounts, probably "should" have done.

this summer i will be interning at first energy, with thier "rates and regulatory group", whatever that means (statstical cost/input forecasting, i think). it was weird, i ran into a guy i'm acquainted with at a wedding, who is a big VP at first energy... asked me what i was doing this summer and gave me a job. in praying about whether or not to take it, i realized that my choices about where i was going were simple: it is between reestablishing my akron roots and running off to somewhere else in the world. i don't know how i feel about working "a real job". i don't know how i feel about a movement towards settling down, which is what is probably expected of me, especially with my health. but i felt that God led and took me to this place and brought me suddenly through a door, and i do love akron. but i'm somewhat averse to the thought of settling down so soon. that seems like an irreversable thing, once it happens.

i look forward to life being more settled though for the summer, as opposed to my consistent near all-nighters and 7day, 5night work weeks for school.

2008-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

we have not been writing
none of us
except joe...

i hope to join him in that next week, as i will be done with the craziest semester of my life on friday night.

hopefully my sanity will begin to return then... and my ability to keep up with the people i care about.

i still haven't reconciled

2008-03-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

i am increasingly confused by the dichotomy of making people "one of our own", ie, allowing them into my inner circle of friends, and understanding the wisdom of separating from thoes who are not of the same heart.

for example

when i go to a st patty's day party tonight, actually two, where there will be drinking, some of the 'excessive' drinking may occur among people who are within an inner circle of my friends.

someone else may not choose to go to the same party because they feel that it may be 'out of control.' granted that person perhaps does not know my friends in the same way that i do, but will they only see the drinking and not the people?

or will i only see my 'love' for my friends and not what is wisest for them or for myself?

(not that i particularly struggle with the issue of drinking)

Jesus says not to be unequally yoked (whatever that might mean), and the Bible has a consistent message of fleeing from foolishness. though i'm not sure that it means to refuse to be near people who exhibit some foolishness, since Jesus was the friend of sinners to the point of being closest to the scapegoats of society...

in regards to future and faith

2008-03-06T04:53:00.001-08:00

i think i've been acting with a measure of foolishness.

busy-ness and injury

2008-03-03T15:02:00.000-08:00

i have been busy.

school has been busy.

also i have been injured. that has made things even more busy, as being injured has slowed me down a lot (i have broken my tailbone, a suprisingly difficult thing to recover from).
and i have been tired.

so i apologize for my lack of involvement in your life. i apologize for my lack of involvement in my own life. i would say that it will change, but i have a feeling that over the next several weeks (8ish) it won't.

that is not to say that life has been bad. that is not to say that i have stopped learning or growing. and it is not to say that i have stopped thinking of you.

i didn't count the cost of this semester very well when i came here. after this semester it should be better. i look forward to summer when i will love people and be invoved in their lives again. until then... i will love from a distance and walk down this road.

i've always believed God had plans for me in injury or sickness in the past, and so i believe now. but i have yet to see what it might be this time...

spending time

2008-02-13T20:13:00.000-08:00

in my last entry i wrote,
"i can't give much write now" (or something alone those lines)

i spent the next few days wondering what i had meant by that in the first place, realizing it was a simple outpouring of the attitude that i did not like, but kept finding in my heart. i realized that it had been there since december... a realization that there had been things i wanted to do this semester, but am not, nor do i know how i could be.

on the other side of this, this semester is the hardest one i will go through in my program... the most time-consuming one. i do not defend my previous sentiment that i couldn't give much, but this semester does leave me tired.

but i know that sentiment was in the first place not Godly, and in the second place betrayed my incorrect focus, which should not be on something so simple as how much time i can give, but on the quality of how i spend my time.

interestingly enough, small group turned out to be on this topic tonight as well.

trials of being a grad student

2008-02-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

i've grown tired of empiricially deriving the consumption function and helping people with advanced calc as opposed to, well, doing something. i spend a lot of time crunching numbers these days and reading about other people's work on the same. while numbers are useful and all, even a mathematician/economist grows tired of relying on numbers. also i get tired of listening to people talk about numbers that have very real consequences for people... without really thinking of people. it's been a while since i've had time to read about anything enjoyable or felt as though i were learning about something i cared about.

i know i need certain tools, but... the consumption function? what could be more boring.

i think it's possible that that might be enough to send me back to camp carl this summer. i can't give much during the semester, but maybe i can give my summer.

the Old is enough

2008-01-21T17:54:00.000-08:00

we've been reading out of the Old Testament.

this morning when i woke up, somehow i found myself unsatisfied with the reading i've been doing lately (mostly out of Exodus. though God does do some pretty cool things in Exodus.). i was craving the words of Jesus, the words of Paul; the words that i had been raised on in the faith. so i read most of the book of Ephesians and a bit of 1 Timothy to make myself feel better.

it made me think about what it must have been like to only have the O.T., to only have the Torah. people did for many years. and of course it was enough for them; that was what God had given, and our God is the God of Enough.

but i found it striking to consider how blesssed we were to have the words of the New Testament to add to those of the Old. and it made me think of how the Old is enough; and yet we find the picture more beautiful and more fulfilling with the New. we could live on the words of the O.T. alone, but that is not what God has ordained for us any longer. He has made things better.

praise Jesus for His words.

lessons from the O.T.

2008-01-16T20:42:00.001-08:00

we've been reading out of the Old Testament, Exodus right now. There is always something refreshing about the OT stories that we seem to forget the details of. There is also something refreshing for me to hear, buried within the details of the law, brief glimpses that God gives for why His law is what it is and what it will mean for His people.

it is beautiful to read the details of the plans for the tabernacle, and think of how God would, unlike other gods, "tabernacle" with his people. it is beautiful to hear how God designs the robes of Aaron the high priest ("for glory and beauty") knowing that Aaron, in the beauty of his robes, was a symbol of what Jesus would be on our behalf. beautiful to see that our God, unlike other gods, gives His Son as the perfect mediator between ourselves and Him.

and it is wonderful to hear Moses plead to God on behalf of a people who completely misunderstand Who and What God is, and don't even really trust Him, and hear God choose to spare them, both for the sake of His own name, and because of Moses' plea.

it's beautiful to read of the time of the old covenant, the beginning of God's life with His own people, and think of how excited God must have been when the time came to finally set these plans of His in motion.

beautiful.

miss anya in my life

2008-01-09T12:37:00.001-08:00

i used to have more to say i guess; i used to write a lot more often.

i sat down today after saying goodbye to anya last night, wishing that she was free to say more in her 'blog' than she is (i then reprimanded myself for not having been more forward to seek her out in places where she could say more, such as skype). i miss her thoughts, which are often so unlike mine, and so refreshing.

i miss her heart, which belives so strongly in humility and simplicity and love.

and i asked myself where i had failed to believe so strongly in humility and simplicity. i found one answer in a place i thought was unlikely: an erwin mcmanus book that i saw katie thompson reading last summer and swiped from a roomate. and i realized that my lack of committment to humility and simplicity had led to at least one area of trouble for my life.

also last night (for whatever reason) we had the primaries on tv. and i admit (though sadly) that my change of heart over the last two years is more clearly shown by which candidate i support this year than in many other areas of my life. i support a candidate that my parents and many close friends would be ashamed of. but i beleive that while he does not necessarily know what is "best" for the "economy", he is committed to simplicity and equality, and a principle that it is better for all the shares of the pie to be big enough than for the pie itself to be bigger (economists will understand that picture).

i guess this has become rambling. what i want to say is: thank you anya for being key in the change that God has brought into my heart. you are in my thoughts and prayers as you go back to serve God more.

moving all the time

2007-12-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

the past six months of my life (from about may to about now) have been strange

they have been strange partly because of a major change in the day to day look of my life (going from both working full time and going to school full time to simply being a full time grad student) and partly because of the change in people in my life.

key people have been both coming into and leaving my life in a strange way.

my old friend aaron (who i really consider to be my brother) came back into my life after a period away. my dear friend jen moved to pheonix, making my heart long for phoenix at many points. my dear friends val, amy, and sarah moved on from grove city college (where i could drive two hours and have the company of three of the godliest women i know) and have gotten married and moved far away. my heart often longs for them. anne is far away still. shawn is home from iraq. neil has come into my life. d and may and carly and i have an increasingly hard time connecting. as do aaron and alex and i. i have found a close friend and godly counsel in my roomate tonya.

people make a difference. different people around makes a different sort of life.

and so many people have moved to new places for specific purposes, and continue to ask me what my next step will be (despite the fact that my next step will probably not come for more than a year from now). and i don't know what it will be, and depending on who asks, i may give very different answers.

i don't know what my next step will be. i don't know when my turn to leave akron will come. i don't know when i want it to.

but i am not unssatisfied with the will of God, and i don't ask for something different.

confusion

2007-11-25T17:15:00.000-08:00

today i went to a church i'd never been to and heard a preacher i never had before.

i have become increasingly unable to understand very basic sermons on very basic topics. especially those that i have been hearing my whole life.

today's church and sermon were very similar to my own church and something of knute's. there are many sermons that i have been hearing over and over again for ten years, all good quality truth i'm sure. but i can no longer understand many basic truths that i have been raised with.

confusion settles in. maybe i've just been in the church long enough that i have to hit such a point.

old people are funny

2007-11-23T06:55:00.000-08:00

i don't really have grandparents. so sometimes i don't understand old people. i'm not really used to them.

yesterday i was with someone else's grandparentsfor a bit though, and somehow i ended up sitting with an old Hungarian man while he just talked about random things, in an old Hungarian accent.

such as the fact that even though our money says "in God we trust" on it, we really only trust in money.

such as the fact that it's easy to say "i love you" even if our actions say exactly the opposite.

such as the fact that it is ridiculous to buy things you have no use for even if you think you want them.

simple simple things. nothing profound or new. no earthshattering ideas.

still maybe i should get to know some old people. otherwise all i ever do when i talk is bounce my so-called "wisdom" or ideas off someone who is in essentially the same place i am. possibly a similar situation to the blind leading the blind.

and this year i am thankful, the same as every year, that i have a good God to hold on to and to share love with.

we all want to live forever

2007-11-13T06:06:00.000-08:00

i sat last night with a man who is dying at a faster rate than most of us (he's 81 with severe heart problems) and his son and grandsons. the man himself mostly sat quietly, and just rested in the presence of his grandsons and enjoyed it. the grandsons just engaged him in a loving way.

his son, however, still lives with him and has been left with the duty of taking care of him and managing his health. he's on a strict medication plan, strict diet, and actually has a device implanted in his heart that will shock him if it gets out of control.

i had the opportunity to listen to the son talk for nearly an hour, simply about the stress he has to deal with to keep his father alive (which he essentially said was his primary goal - to keep his father alive as long as possible). and, partly because of his roles in his parent's lives, he clearly doesn't get to just talk to people very often.

it just made me think about the quantity and quality of our lives though, and whether we prefer quantity over quality sometimes. this man had to see some extremely specialized doctors who, due to technology, are now able to force a bit more life out of his heart. but is this what we want? to keep forcing life out of people's bodies... even if for a time it does seem to have a decent level of quality.

i guess this is a personal question that can only be answered by the person in the situation. but it seemed like a lot to take.

"you are now Sons of the Living God"

2007-11-11T22:37:00.001-08:00

adoption has always been close to my heart.

no, my parents did not adopt me or anything, however, adoption has been close to my heart for two reasons:
one, how can we not be concerned about adoption in a world where so many children are in need of homes and parents and love?
two, how can we not be conerned about adoption when, in Christ, God has clearly claimed to adopt us as His children and treat us as His own, though we did not ask for or deserve this.

clearly i am not planning on having children any time soon. however, i always get stuck on the common question that arises, "why would we want to bring more children into the world when there are already so many in need of homes?" and why indeed? if i ever have a stable home, which is a gift from God, should i not share in the gift He has given me and provide it to the homeless children?

and which of us will love enough to bring hard kids into our homes for foster care,
and which of us will love enough to adopt, even though it is such a sacrifice,
and which of us will have the pure and undefiled religion that James speaks of?

if we claim to follow Christ, then as a community we should be adopting. and not only should we be adopting, we should be involved in the issues that cause orphans to be without homes in the first place.

Globalization and the Law

2007-11-11T12:21:00.000-08:00

On this sunday afternoon when the steelers and browns game is on, i am here reviewing a book about globalization (apparently the steelers are not really making this game worth my while to watch anyway though, so i guess that's just as well).

the author of this book is blindingly pro-globalization. now i don't really have any more of an opinion about globalization that i do about the existence of computers - those two things are completely tied together and neither of them is stoppable. so it would be silly to argue against it. also that makes reviewing a book on the topic to be nearly the most boring possible sunday afternoon. however, it is also silly to argue, as this author seems to (which is dissapointing from a well respected economist) that there are hardly any problems with globalization.

along with this comes the issue of our imposing our standards and policies among poorer nations, which may or may not be economically (or socially) ready for them. granted that 'we' (the developed world?) are also often giving 'aid' to such nations... does it really make sense for us to use that to our advantage and enforce high labor and environmental standards on them (even though high labor and environmental standards are good and justified)? does it make sense for us to demand that they allow our corporations to run rampant among them? does it make sense for us to demand that they fix their own financial system before we will help?

so for me it comes back to this similar question: why do we impose our own beliefs and standards on people who are not yet ready to hear or accept them? whey do we impose the 'law' of Christ on people who are not yet ready to understand that the 'law' of Christ is really just His goodness in practice?

why cant we love and help first and teach second.

Paul's Vision for his own leadership

2007-11-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

"Imitiate me therefore, even as I imitate Christ."

i heard someone paraphrase it this way:
"as much as you see Christ in me, be like me."

a good starting point for a solid perspective of leadership.

what makes you my leader?

2007-11-02T11:26:00.000-07:00

for the past week or so, i have been meditating on leadership

i do not consider myself to be a natural leader exactly. however, most people are in a position to be a leader if they choose, and so am i. i take a leadership position when i choose to be a camp counselor, when i choose to lead a small group of jr high girls, when i choose to take jr high girls on trips. i could be a leader to my younger siblings. i could be a leader to my housemates, my colleagues (i think i get to use that word at this point in my life). i could be a leader in my small group, though i am not THE leader. i could be a leader among my friends.

there are two kinds of leadership: the kind that comes with a title, and the kind that comes from within. the title of leadershp, i decided, does not make you a leader. i do not follow all who have the title of leadership.

leadership is a privilege. i do not lead jr high students to make myself feel better, because i should, or because i can. nor could i be such a leader. leadership of my jr high girls is my privilege, and i must be deserving of it. leadership for my younger sisters will be my privilege if i earn it. leadership among my housemates will be my privilege, if i earn it.

what are the characteristics of a leader then? i'm not sure just yet. however, i think it has been a good first step to me to discern that i must earn the privilege of leadership if i choose to take it, and so must others who choose to have the title of leadership.

here i am

2007-10-30T07:32:00.000-07:00

leaving the world of xanga and moving on to more 'adult' places i guess
whatever that means
i was tired of feeling silent

i unfortunately seem to think primarily in terms of economics anymore... i'm working on that.

we were thinking on the economics of underdeveloped countries the other day in class, and discussing problems such as child labor and sweat shops, things that our rich country does not find tolerable for ourselves, and many of us do not find tolerable for other nations. however, we forget that our own industrialization was built on such policies.
i was thinking about how in economics we tend to tolerate disfavorable things in the short run if we think that it will yeild a desired long run outcome. this is why we tolerate child labor in poor countries. but should we tolerate temporary evils for eventual good? at first glance the answer seems to be that we should make what is right our first priority...

but

does God not tolerate short term evils for long term goods?

just questions.